Sharing good faith

OK, I totally admit to being a whiney spoiled brat in my post yesterday. I realise am so lucky with my lot and I really do appreciate it. I mean, I have a job that pays good money and a wonderfully healthy daughter who is settling very well into a lovely creche, not to forget my handsome supportive man who keeps me grounded. I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky and what I did to deserve such a gracious hand. Although times weren't always so good for me so I'm taking every minute of this now!

I believe as humans we have an incredible ability to cope in the most adverse situations. The fine words of Desiderata always offer solace to me when I am at a loss to understand my circumstances. Its beautifully written, and I believe every word. So really I want to send my heart out to every person who faces a tough situation, decision or journey. I wish them good faith, strength and courage, and sensitivity and respect from others. I wish them all the best.

Sad mommy

If you don't mind I'd like to have a little moan for a few moments...

I'm on a low ebb this week. I really DON'T want to go back to work tomorrow. I really MISS my little girl the past few days while she's been settling into daycare. I'm aware that I'm fearing the unknown, but my emotional instinct is telling me that its not neccessarily the best thing for me. I'd rather not be in this situation but I have to be. Am I angry because I think this is beyond my control?

Do all moms go through this anxiety? When I went on maternity leave, it was a bit of a shock (as my little girl arrived 5 weeks early and I was still shopping for her arrival) and it naturally took a while to adjust to the change. Being at home isn't easy when you're not used to it. But its not the being at home that I'll miss. Its not the not having to do hair and makeup every morning. Its not the long chats to my sister each morning. Its not the fact that I hate my job. I've hated it for nearly 10 years but continued to put up with it. Its 100% the fact that I will not be spending my time with my little girl. I miss her like crazy.

Is every new mom faced with the same dilemma? I feel like I need to re-evaluate my life, rather than de-value it. I have so much more to offer the world than the boring corporate bullshit that I will be once again facing day in day out. But what realistically are my options?

This is one of the hardest things I have had to go through as a mom.

So in the meantime, please forgive my lack of motivation, energy, and general good spirit. I'm mourning the wonderful time I have been so blessed to spend with my gorgeous sweet precious little daughter.

Dear baby, I love you with all my heart. Thank you for the wonderful knowledge you give me each day, the lessons you teach me and the countless smiles and giggles we share. I feel privileged to be part of your life. I am doing this for your benefit. I promise to give you my all when we are together, and that each morning and evening I will hold you tight and tell you how much I love you and thank the universe for you.

Times up!

Well peeps.... this is it. My last day of maternity leave. Big Sad Face :-(

Thankfully missy is getting on great in the creche. Its small comfort as it means someone else gets to cuddle her. Thats MY job!!

She's absolutely fine, thinks she has three new mommies and a million new toys. Hmph. Meanwhile I have to spend most of my time and energy doing sucky work in a sucky job.

At least I have a job. I am thankful that I can contribute to the household income, and in no small way either (how much of I spend is yet to be quantified).

So that's it. Will let you know how it goes...... (BOOOOOOO)

LOOK AT YOURSELF AFTER WATCHING THIS.mp4

I couldn't believe it...

... when the doctor looked at the x-ray and told me we can stop using the hip brace during the day time! But she's only 6 weeks into the treatment... its impossible, I mean, we were told she'd need 18 weeks at least! Apparently not, and my daughter's hips are now developed as normal. Obviously I was delighted to hear this fantastic news, but I cautiously asked him to explain exactly what he was seeing on the x-ray so that there could be no mistake.

So that's it! Back to using her maxi-cosi car seat, she can fit into her buggy again, and yes, oh yes she can wear clothes... YIPPEEE!

We still have to use the brace for 12 hours every night, but we don't mind that because she sleeps comfortably in it and it stops her wriggling all over the cot.

I'm so excited for her, because she can now learn to crawl and walk just like other babies. Her development shouldn't be affected any more than it would have already been (owing to her prematurity).

What an amazing, fantastic, super-girl I have! I love her so much it blows me away.

One-third the way there!

We're back in hospital tomorrow for my baby's first 6-week checkup for her hip dysplasia. Its only out-patients this time, but that means sitting in a queue waiting to see the surgeon, which could take hours for a 15 minute assessment. I've been told these clinics can be insanely busy so I'm aiming to get there early.

I'm glad to say that we've made it one-third the way through her treatment. It hasn't been easy. Then again, we've been so lucky that she only required an abduction brace, or rhino brace as they're sometimes called, rather than a spica cast. She has tolerated it so well. She has her moments with it, and can get very frustrated, especially when she's around other babies her age who are able to crawl and move around. I know she knows that she's different to them. But for the most part she has remained a normal, happy baby who just accepts her situation for what it is. I'm amazed by her, but then I had the condition myself and was put in a body cast for 6 months and I turned out ok. So that makes me amazing too, right?!

So anyway, we're going in tomorrow for an x-ray and assessment with her consultant. I have no idea what they are going to tell us. I'm assuming there are a number of possible outcomes - the most likely being that some progress is evident but we keep going as we are for the full 18 weeks as planned. I've learned how to deal with it now so its not so bad.

The hardest part is her lack of independence. She became very clingy to me when the brace was fitted. She almost seems insecure without me, which makes me sad for her. She should be discovering the world around her, but she can't even sit up without being propped up with pillows, and even then she keeps falling backwards or forwards and gets terribly frustrated. I try not to let my anxiety show but I'm sure she senses it. I long for the day when the treatment is over and she can be a 'normal' child again. Even for her just to be able to fit comfortably into her buggy and carseat so she can enjoy getting out and about.

So fingers crossed tomorrow will go well. I'm glad I can say we've gotten through the first part and we're surviving.

Return of the human

Isn't it amazing how having a focal point in your near future focuses your mind on doing exactly what you want to do?

What I mean by this is that my little girl is starting full time daycare in less than a week, and with this deadline looming I am finally becoming the person I idealistically thought I would be. Pre-maternity-leave you have this rose-tinted impression of yourself that you are going to be this wonderful organised happy human being who fills time playing with baby, lunching with friends and browsing shops hunting for cute baby clothes.

HA!

Then when you realise that not only is it a struggle, but you're stuck with it (do I sound like a bad person?) that you reach this low level of tolerance - just about. Motivation (for me) went out the window along with dignity, glamour and all disposable income, and I kinda turned into this person who just dealt with one thing at a time just to get through the day.

So anyway, since I can no longer avoid the inevitable return to work, my days of loitering around a messy house trying to do whatever priority no 1 housework chore between feeds, demands for attention, nappies, wiping poop off stuff, etc etc, are truly numbered. And so, determination once again kicks in. I've done everything that I set out to do in the past week. That is the first time in the whole eight and a half months I have been off work.

I'm hoping this doesn't make me a bad mother/person. I am still at the stage where I think its wrong to admit that there may be a tiny part of me that is actually looking forward to not spending every waking minute with my incredibly cute and adorable baby daughter. I feel so guilty for even thinking that it could be a good thing. Or do I? Time will tell.

10 days to go, the countdown begins...

This evening I didn't make lame excuses to not go to my exercise class!

Does this mean I can have chocolate?

The dreaded inevitable

Ok so today I've decided to address the real issue going on in my life right now: in two weeks from today I am going back to work. I've had nearly nine months of maternity leave and it is coming to an end. Big sigh.

The reason I haven't mentioned this before is obvious - I don't even want to think about it! But I must confront the issue, and so I have listed the positives and negatives for both babygirl and myself below.

For babygirl:
+ the creche has way more toys than at home
+ the creche has smiley people who don't get cranky when babies don't co-operate
+ the creche feed all the babies wonderful organic food
+ babygirl will make babyfriends and have fun with them
+ she will learn to have independence
+ she will be part of a reliable routine
+ she will be cared for by experts who are trained in first aid, baby psychology and clap handies

- she will not be spending her days with her mum-mum
- she will probably be very upset and confused for the first few days

For mum-mum:
+ I will get to use the bathroom when I like
+ I will get to drink coffee/eat a meal while its still hot
+ I will have a reliable routine, that begins with a shower each morning
+ I will get dressed EVERY DAY!
+ I will have to buy new clothes (I'm choosing to look at this as a positive, even though the reason I have to buy new clothes is because I'm too fat to fit into my old work clothes, which is really a negative - way to look on the bright side!)
+ I will be surrounded by shops where I can buy useful things that we need
+ I will be earning money again (can't believe this isn't higher on my list...)
+ I will be on an even footing with my partner re housework, childminding, 'out' time etc
+ I will be showing my daughter that a woman's independence is important

- I love my little girl more than a-ny-thing and am going to miss her like crazy
- My colleagues company is no substitute whatsoever
- I will have to put my faith in the hands of 'other people' regarding her wellbeing
- I will be exhausted from a days work and from only getting an average of 5 hours sleep each night
- my right boob still occasionally leaks even though I gave up breastfeeding in January

I could list more negatives here, but I'm genuinely trying to see this as positively as possible. But really, I'm dreading it because no matter how big the paycheque, I can't buy the time with my baby back and I'm really really dreading it coming to an end. I'm going to miss my little girl.

But on the other hand, I am in need of some 'me' time, some grown-up company, and something else to focus on so that the challenging times with my baby are put in perspective. And it kinda does my head in when I can't even get one thing done around the house without missy giving out. She's going through that phase.

And there's always the thought that I didn't make the most of my maternity leave. But it really is harder than you could ever imagine. And for me, because my girl was born early, I didn't have time to make that transition between the world of work and the world of motherhood.

So I'm sure every first time mom finds going back to work bittersweet.

I'll officially start the countdown when I've 10 days to go. I've booked in a week of 'me' time which means shopping for said new clothes, getting hair done, sleeping in, going jogging, etc etc, which means I've only 7 days left with babygirl. 7 DAYS!! Holy crap.

See why its on my mind?! If anyone out there has any advice, please help to reassure me!

In loving memory

Today I want to remember a dear friend. There's nothing significant about today in particular, its not an anniversary or a birthday, its just another day that you are not with us and another day that I'm thinking about you.

New years eve 2008 you shared with the world that you and your beautiful wonderful partner would be parents. What joy! Joy for your wonderful partnership being solidified together for life; and joy for the creation of a whole new life, a tiny new person. You had always longed to be a father, and your pride filled all of our hearts.

Devastated does not begin to describe how we felt when a few short weeks later you found out you had cancer. Fearful, anxious, sad, and overall, not willing to give up hope that you could beat it. Your struggle was fierce and bravely fought. You showed such dignity and strength of spirit. Your support to your family and friends went far beyond your own pain and fear. You named your unborn son. We prayed and hoped and prayed. You died.

You were a grumpy old bastard. You told it like it is. You worked your ass off. You were ambitious. You believed in a better life. You listened to your heart. You had your heart broken, and your life paused while your heart healed. You learned to love again and your life took on new meaning. You were the best friend I ever had.

Thank you for the privilege of knowing you, fighting with you, laughing with you, drinking shots at 4 in the morning with you, beaking all hell loose at every opportunity. Thank you for being my friend. I miss you always and will never forget you.

Forbidden treats!

Now can I have some chocolate?? Just the tiniest piece, I promise! Go on... I deserve it.

Mmmm thank you :)

A low day

One thing I have learned since becoming a mother is that it isn't fun to be sick. And it seems to be that when you're up all hours of the night, meeting the demands of 'little screaming one', on top of managing dinners, laundry, cleaning etc, and getting very little down time to see friends and take time out, one tends to be a little more susceptible to those random bugs that would usually pass you by. I used to say it took a superbug to knock me out. What doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger, right? Well, call it motherhood, because I am flattened!

I don't like to complain. I have a wonderful healthy daughter. I have a loving partner, great friends and family and a good job; I am very lucky. But I will be honest - I have found becoming a mother to be quite difficult. I love my daughter and am very proud of her, but I sometimes feel I'm letting her down. I would love to have more energy to play with her all day and to have more patience for her when she's not feeling well, or won't eat or sleep. She is, afterall, a brand new person who knows nothing about the world and is looking to me for everything. I do everything I can for her, but its in those moments when you're at your limits that the real challenge of motherhood presents itself. Its a big responsibility and I think feelings of guilt and inadequacy come with the territory.

I hope I'm not alone when I feel like this and it doesn't make me a failure. My child is happy and oblivious, so thats all that matters, right? I'm having a low day, but I'm allowed that. I will make it better tomorrow.

Poor baby :(

Whew, what a weekend! Now that baby is officially producing teeth, her schedule has been all messed up. She's off her food, waking during the night and just cranky in general. I hate giving her painkillers, but I just have to at the moment to keep the two of us sane. But, on top of all that, the poor pet woke on Saturday morning with conjunctivitis in both eyes... she looked MISERABLE!

Between dabbing her eyes, fighting over eye drops, rosy cheeks and sore gums, upset tummy from the teeth and the general crankiness that goes with an unwell child, its been a tough few days. Mummy has been covered in random clumps of baby food, dribble, runny nose, eye goop, puke, etc... man I am worn out!

Fingers crossed she will feel better soon. Thank goodness for red wine and Desperate Housewives night when Daddy's on duty!